Turkey Holocaust Day

Fact: Thanksgiving is one of the most patently evil of all holidays. I mean, thing of the elements of the thing: food; family; secret pictures of Adolf Hitler on the inside of every Butterball turkey; and two football games, one of which will involve the Detroit Lions (i.e. SUCK!).

Yeah, bet you didn't know the thing about the Detroit Lions.

Fact: I love evil. Therefore, I love evil holidays. Therefore, I love Thanksgiving. I mean, for me, Thanksgiving is always a time to stuff about five turkeys down my throat, plug it up with a piece of pumpkin pie, start an IV drip of mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce, and tell everyone near me that I love them, even though that's usually the booze talking. Just kidding! I don't drink. I should have thought about that before I went around telling everyone I loved them when I went to the grocery store the other day. They might have just thought I was weird or something.

Fact: Thanksgiving has not always been a national holiday. I think people have weird ideas about holidays, like they were celebrated annually since the event being celebrated. FYI: Christmas did not start the year after Jesus was born. (Yeah, actually, I guess it was, but it was a totally different holiday--it was Roman, and they welcomed back their dead ancestors. Don't most people try to avoid their dead ancestors, as a rule of thumb? I personally don't want zombie relatives showing up on Valentine's Day being all, "We missed you!" It would be time for some shotgun-wielding. Then again, when is it the wrong time to brandish a shotgun?)

Fact: I want to be elected Archduke of Thanksgiving. If they have parades, they should have nobility to preside over them, and I think I'm going to start a parade just to win the noble title. I mean, marshal? What a stupid title for the presiding officer of a parade. Maybe the Marquis de Parade would be cooler. Or not. How about Caesar of the Parades? These are getting worse and worse. Maybe I could be Brigadier General of Thanksgiving, or just Shah of Shahs of Thanksgiving. (That means king of kings to Persians. Totally sweet.)

Fact: someday, I would like to visit Turkey. Mostly to see the Church of Hagia Sophia, which, when the Byzantine Empire was defeated by the Ottoman Turks in 1453, was turned into a mosque, but still, it has some of the coolest architecture. Wikipedia it. The place has this dome with all these tiny windows supporting it, it's awesome. Ah, the Byzantines. Kick ass cathedrals. Giant iron chains across your harbor. Pretending to be the Roman Empire when you ruled like a half a sliver of land. Priceless.

Fact: someday, I would like to shoot a turkey. Whenever I go to this bowling alley, I always play Turkey Hunt!, a video game where the controller is a shotgun (see: above) and you blast turkeys with said shotgun. I am not sure if I ever bagged three turkeys on one level, but I know that I've gotten two several times. Of course, in the video game, you don't get to eat the turkey that you've blown out of the plains of New Mexico. Instead, it tells you how many points you got, and then you can keep going, killing turkeys for like twenty minutes. If you think this video game is retarded, then you are correct. However, I cannot resist it. I love video games with gun controllers. Remember Duck Hunt, that old Nintendo game? That game was fucking retarded with a capital Tar, but I would always want to play that when I was at a friend's house, just to use the gun controller.

Fact: I've just revealed way too much about my lust for gun controllers.

Fact: I need to start a band called Gun Controller.

Happy Turkey Holocaust Day, everyone.