I apologize for never making sense ever

I was over at my friend's apartment last night, and we were surfing on the Youtube, and came across a thing about cup stacking. If you are unaware, cup stacking is this huge phenom on the Youtube, where children stack cups up and then unstack them, and then claim that they have the world record for cup stacking. This may be one of the most useless hobbies ever invented. I make fun of my little brother all the time because he plays so many hours and hours of computer games, but at least he's at least engaged in something that was designed by other people to be entertaining. Who was the first person who took a look at a stack of plastic cups and went, "You know, I bet I'd be awesome at making these into little cup pyramids, and then stacking them up into different pyramids, and then doing this all to a shitty techno beat!" Because that person needs to receive a beating, and then be handed a Playstation. "Here, you stupid dumbfuck, if you want to mindlessly entertain yourself, we have a number of inventions to do that with already. Put those fucking cups away."

It makes you question whether America can last long enough for me to carry out my scheme where I become Governor of Colorado and then dig through an abandoned silver mine to the underground Rio Grande and escape to Mexico with the state treasury. I stole this from the plot of a novel...called...Grover's Cleveland...yeah, that's it. Um, I mean, it was called the Our Omelet. I love those Denver omelets. I do. I need to get back in the habit of making omelets. And stealing state treasuries.

But still, that probably will never happen, none of it, me writing a novel about it, stealing the state treasury, or even the underground Rio Grande escape. Such a bummer. And all because a bunch of people in this country have pretty much given up on their lives. What happened, America? It's like everyone has been swallowing glass for years, and it's finally catching up with us. "Ow, my insides are bleeding again. I guess I should just go back to this reality television program where cancer patients fight for their survival. Chemo Island."

What a brilliant idea. No one is allowed to steal that one from me. (PS: After writing this, I saw an ad in this magazine that says "Tayln vs. Eye Cancer" and I immediately felt bad for this.)

I often wonder what people have been thinking about when they give up on their lives, and start pursuing things like cup stacking as a way to boost their self-esteem. I mean, for one thing, if I ever had a child, and they showed me their special talent for spinning plates, I would fucking hack off their arm. I would be like, "Why don't you do something useful? What is this plate spinning? America is at war with insectoid aliens that sucked out your mom's brains! Help me finish building this x-ray laser already!"

(X-ray lasers are the coolest, everyone. If you are unsure how to make a high-tech beam weapon, I'll let you in on the first secret of high-tech beam weapon manufacture: you can't be scared of a little radiation. And by a little, I mean, you'll never grow hair again.)

Stupid insectoid aliens. I mean, what if that happened? What if Hitler comes back from the dead, and we have World War II: Part 2--Israel's Revenge? These American cup stacker children and life-wasting people everywhere will be completely useless. Again, at least my little brother will probably be recruited to pilot a remote drone of some sort, like a fifty-foot battlebot that spits fire and uses a flaming sword to cut through Israelis. I mean Nazis. I always forget which side I'm on in future conflicts that I invented.

I mean, I can tell you what side I would have been on in wars in the past, given the chance. Hundred Years' War: England. Thirty Years' War: Sweden. Russo-Japanese-Grizzly Bear War: the Grizzlies. American Revolution: Mitsubishi (they have paid me to say this, in exchange for a free Galant). Just a few more, I promise. The Seven Years' War: The not-French-and-Indian side. Man, why don't we get into more wars that are like time specific? I mean, way back when, it seems like they were kind of free-form, and England and France were like, "What, should we take, um, like a hundred years to fight over whether your king is really our king? How's that sound? Good?" But eventually, by the 1700s, people had it figured out. England and France were like, "Yeah, seven sounds like a good number to me, we'll fight until 1763."

America, if there's two things I've learned from this rambling blog, it's that 1) I'm going to pitch a show called Chemo Island to the Oxygen channel, and 2) we need to start telling people how long we'll be at war with them again. Maybe we peace out of Afghanistan and Iraq, and then we'll just go to Iran and be like, "Hey, Mahmoud whateveryournameis, we're going to come invade your country, because of those nukes and your funny hats. How's three years of war sound? Just 20 months? I think we can arrange that? Yo, China! You want a piece of this in two years time? We'll fight you for a year and a fortnight?"

The Year and a Fortnight War. It is epic.

Oh wait, war kinda sucks, doesn't it? Well, I'm still looking for some help constructing this x-ray laser in my basement. Don't worry, we can't use it until I launch it into space. I mean, ha ha! Shooting an x-ray laser off on the ground. Are you crazy?