Time to become a rock god...er...perhaps some demigod of rock...

Personally, I'm a big fan of demigods. God-gods are a little harsh, all lightning-bolty and turning people into pillars of salt-y, whereas your average demigod is just basically killing for fun, like an Italian. Not only that, but they are like half-mortal, which is a strange concept, but whatever, it worked for the Greeks and Romans, and they invented all sorts of awesome shit like depravity and abandoning unwanted children to the elements to die of exposure. (That's called keeping it real, yo.)

Anyway, that's what I wouldn't mind becoming: a demigod of rock'n'roll. Ozzy Osbourne is like the Zeus of rock'n'roll. I wouldn't mind being like the Achilles of rock, or the Heracles of rock (I'm sticking with the Greek thing here, chill out, Hercules fans--by the way, remember that gay-ass show about Hercules starring that loser Kevin Sorbinowhozzits? that show sucked), rather than having to be the Apollo of rock. PS: what a shitty job Apollo has, he's basically the Sun's chauffeur. True story. The unfortunate part is that he let his son Phaeton try to drive the Sun around, and Phaeton burned up most of what used to be Schenectedy, NY, and so Apollo basically can never give up his day job, because he has asshole children. Note to self: expose any asshole children to the elements, Roman style.

This has not gotten off to a good start. Bad start for a demigod of my stature. Anyway, I think that I spend enough time thinking about awesome music to qualify as a musician. I mean, I'm going to be in like a death-metal/folk/panda squeal band. Panda squeal is a genre of music where one member of the band does dental work on a half-sedated panda. The drills and panda whining are quite melodic. No one has merged that with folk/death metal either, so I'll be the first one. The band is called Armageddon Apocalypse Trainwreck. Also, I decided today when I was using the urinal at the Child Support Services office (I am not kidding, I was there, luckily not for myself--see the above comment about dealing with asshole children) that I should start a band called Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. This band will not be cool at all. We will only sample songs that make people want to choke themselves with their optic nerves. You know. Things like Mary J. Blige yodeling, Peter Frampton doing dental work on a panda named Ling Ling, and Shaquille O'Neal talking. PS: What is a fu-schnicken? Somebody look this up, because I feel crazy telling people that Shaq used to play with a group called the fu-schnickens.

Anyway, I guess that instead of just coming up with awesome band names, I should also create some really awesome band story arcs. See, most great bands have some wonderful tales to tell. They almost seem Arthurian in their legendary quality. Like the Beatles: they played clubs in Germany for years before they ever made it big, mostly thanks to Paul McCartney's fetish for legless women, and Ringo Starr's inferiority complex and subsequent psychoanalysis by Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, in a late-in-life re-partnership. Then they get big, only to decide that they got so big, they should not do things that normal bands do, i.e. play music, and instead they decided to do things that most bands should not do, i.e. make movies starring themselves as themselves. Only Help! is an awesome movie, I have to say. They made awesome movies. Then they got so big, that George Harrison was forced to trade his wife to Eric Clapton in exchange for their souls back from time-traveling Michael Jackson. That was a crazy weird day.

See, maybe Arm Apoc T-Wreck, we'll start by playing only free concerts. We'll go backwards from what most bands do. Our first show will be a nationally-televised concert we play for free from a beach where hundreds of dead dolphins have washed up after being killed by General Electric products. During that show, our original guitar player will be assassinated. I will have to avoid telling that part when I hire an original guitar player. Then, our fan base will dwindle, until we're forced to play in tiny clubs as the opening act, and eventually, it will just be me, playing guitar on the street, and screaming about dead dolphins, and trains that go wreck in the night, and songs about knife-fights.

Also, I will play the halftime show at the Superbowl, after being dropped out of the sky in a solid-gold caboose, although I will sabotage the drop so that I completely wipe out the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I will then suit up, and lead my own football team, the Fairbanks Tornadocanes, to victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. Then I will force the Kansas City Chiefs into exile on a reservation.

Of course, I will also need to write songs. Most of them will be about things that I know: how hard it is to be friends with dragons, what it's like to have leprosy, how to overthrow the government and become President, what it's like to have sex with like millions of groupies. Basically my life. Except the opposite.

I'm sure that it can be done. I think I'm going to start right now.

Nevermind. I already gave up.