I'm not sure who's responsible: this has two meanings

So, I just watched this movie, Bobby, which is about Bobby Kennedy, and stars his dead self talking on the television a lot and giving these awesome speeches, which is the only reason I watched it. I didn't need to see Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher in a movie written and directed by Demi's ex-boyfriend, Emilio Estevez, star of Freejack and Mighty Ducks VII: Fuck Me, Can't I Die Already, I'm Sorry I Ever Tried. That's actually an awesome movie. Bobby, it was OK.

It got me thinking: how shitty is assassination? I mean, it kind of fucked up the 20th century. Right at the beginning, bang, William McKinley gets shot dead by some anarchist with an impossible name. It's like Cgolzovog. I swear. That's closer than you'd believe. (This could be why you remember certain assassins and don't have a clue about others. Lee Harvey Oswald. Pretty easy to remember. Thenmozhi Rajaratnam? Good luck getting remembered as the assassin of Rajiv Gandhi, in 1991, with an explosive belt (and by the way, never name your kids anything Gandhi--Mohandas Gandhi, killed in that movie; Indira Gandhi, killed by her OWN BODYGUARDS in 1984, and ol' Rajiv Gandhi (Indira's oldest son!) killed in 1991; please, if you want death-proof children, give them a name like Assfaster. That will keep them safe.)

OK, where was I? Right, William McKinley. Tariffs the world over were raised in his honor. That's a joke about how McKinley was a big proponent of tariffs. It's funny because...well, OK, let's just keep going. The King of Greece was assassinated in 1913, by a homeless alcoholic. Um. Hmm, I better be a little more careful at work. And then, this one is big, Archduke Franz Ferdinand gets killed by a gunman named Gavrilo Princip, and both of them are memorialized forever by indie rock bands that sing about the necessity of wearing tight pants and thick-rimmed designer eyeglasses and keeping your hair messed up like you just crawled out of a trench in the First World War, because that was exactly what happened after Gavrilo Princip killed the Archduke. Except the tight pants and designer eyeglasses. I made that up.

This list keeps getting crazy. The Kingfish, Huey Long, was murdered in 1935, before he could run against FDR for President, and people tried to kill him but they decided to let polio and alcoholism finish what they started. That's a low blow. Well, I can go lower, in order to hit a cripple. Ha ha ha! Just kidding, I love the New Deal. That makes all this OK.

There's a new Tom Cruise movie about the attempt to assassinate Hitler. It's called Dianetics: The Secret to Ending the Holocaust, starring Tom Cruise as L. Ron Hubbard. It is fourteen hours of mind-numbing lectures about KSW and other total crap. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD.

Argh. This is taking too long, and I haven't even got to the 60's, when like everyone gets killed. JFK, Malcolm, Dr. King, Bobby. That was the assassination decade for the assassination century. Every time I think about those guys, I wonder what it would be like if they had lived. Would we really be in the situation that we are in this country? I mean, if Dr. King had lived, would it have taken this long for there to be a black president? If Bobby had lived, would it have taken this long for people to talk honestly about what it takes to change our country? If JFK had lived, would he and Malcolm X ever made an album of Christmas music with Sammy Davis Jr? That would be awesome. The JFK-Malcolm X-Sammy Davis Jr. Christmas album. Featuring such hits as "Fuck you, I'm a Muslim" and "Fuck you, I'm a Jew" and "Fuck you both, I was the, erah, President".

OK, so that would never have happened. And, really, probably there is a reason none of the good stuff happened. My basic faith in humanity is always pretty much a goner when I start to get political. Because really, we shouldn't need someone to lead us there, we should just get there ourselves, and help other people to come with us. I mean, wow, this got way too serious all of a sudden for me. See, I wonder if I should even publish this blog, but now it's way too late for me to back out of it. I wonder how I thought I could write a funny blog about political murder in the first place. Well, I'm crazy, I guess, what do you want from me?

By the way, by the end of Bobby, I just wanted to get a CD of Bobby Kennedy's inspiring speeches, and listen to them a lot, as I watch my back for homeless alcoholic assassins creeping up my back stair. Er. That's not quite how it goes, is it, Gordon Lightfoot?

OK, bye.