So sad

I need to do this so much more often. Every time that I fail to blog, I feel like I'm depriving five people of access to some of the most important thoughts about random crap that have ever existed. Naturally, every day we are being bombarded by thoughts about random crap, but few of them are important, and none of them are from me. I mean, until I succeed in my goal of space piracy (first stop, your retarded ass, International Space Station, next stop, the Sun!) I will control a communication satellite (despite what I just said about the Sun and the ISS) and be able to beam my thoughts out to millions of people, who will be like, "Goddamnit, I just wanted to see Malcolm in the Middle in syndication!"

There used to be this really cool video game called Syndicate, where you directed a team of hitmen, and you walk them around a city and rescue some people and kill a bunch of others. I haven't thought about it until right now. Wow.

Anyway, until then, you are the only ones who get to enjoy my thoughts on all crap de la random. That's Esperanto for social networking sites. Between my Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, this blog, and the occasional clips I upload to Youporn without my girlfriend's knowledge, I really am lacking for ways to express myself, so lately I've been walking around Beverly Hills with a sandwich board that says, "Napalm will cure you of Alzheimer's, crispy grandpa" and on the other side, naturally, an advertisement for an Audi dealership. I mean, watches or some shit. Nevermind, this lie sucks anyways. I'm trying to say, I have no idea how I don't feel like I've said enough, but somehow, I just don't, OK? Maybe this should simultaneously be a note on Faceboook, so that they'll start hitting me up with advertisements and things about how I can order random crap (literally, manure from around the world) because I sure need that, like I need a hole in my head.

By the way, every old person who says "I need that like I need a hole in my head" must see kids with piercings and just think, "God Almighty, it's time to pack away the Dinty Moore beef stew and prepare for Armaggeddon."

Don't you wish they started selling tickets for that? And that Def Leppard played at Armaggeddon, so they could close out with Armaggeddon It, and everyone would hold their cell phones in the air because no one smokes but everyone is still a douchebag, and the singer would be all, "Come on, Steve!" because Steve's the guitarist, but apparently, he's sensitive and needs to be urged to do solos, and that's when the nuclear holocaust would start raining down. And of course, then someone would get hurt, and the whole concert would cost Def Leppard their career, just like Great White. What, too soon?

I'm wondering what will come next from this here Internet? I mean, I say it all the time, that with social networking sites, when the site you're using starts copying the competition, that site is over. Somehow Myspace is still around, because 14-year old girls are an entrenched lot, but most of the rest of everyone went over to Facebook last year, and then recently, it's all about Twitter. I read that they had a growth of 1328%. That's 13 times more users recently than before. If I started making 13 times more money, I could have someone killed, or at least maimed, by a Pakistani cab driver in a hit-and-run accident. For just 1/5 of my salary, I'll give you his name.

But it won't be long before Twitter winds up copying someone else, and that's when you'll know it's time to move on, stop tweeting from your phone, and start doing whatever the new thing is, which I think should be a rating site, where things are rated in hatchets. If you like what the government is doing, you remove hatchets from their name. If you get particularly mad at some government policy, you add some hatchets on there. If your friend's boyfriend cheats on her, add some hatchets to his name. The point is, the Internet needs to get a little more Lord of the Flies. It's time for these nerds to feel some rocks falling from above, shattering their glasses, and set the whole island ablaze.

Wait, that was kind of crazy. And somehow, I forgot that I'm wearing glasses. Damn. Back to the drawing board on this one, guys. The hatchet rating website is off for now.